This is life and there is nothing I can do about it...

Wow, I can not believe that the last time I posted was October 3, 2009. My intentions for this blog was to reflect on my life and keep track of the daily occurrences that make up, well, me. I guess it hasn't been really that long since I updated. It just has been a while since I had so much on my mind.

I had the opportunity tonight to talk with a good friend of mine. Someone that I am truly lucky to have in my life. Someone who takes the monotony and "vanilla" out of my life. Someone who can open up to me, and in return let me open up to them. Someone who is actually more messed up than I am, well someone who is at least willing to admit it. Just kidding. Tonight's talk with that person really opened my eyes to the realities of life, some harsh and some worthwhile.

Reality #1: Who gives a shit what you think.
Well I do for one. I wish I didn't. I wish I could brush that nonsense off my shoulder, but I just can't. I don't know why I care so much and I sure as hell don't know why it matters to me what other people think. I admire my friend who doesn't care, no matter how ridiculous the allegations are. I try to play it off and pretend I didn't notice your non shalant comment, I guess I am just a good actor. I will dwell on something until I finally convince myself it doesn't matter, even though deep in my gut that thought still exists.

Reality #2: Emotions are a bitch.
I think my main problem is I get emotionally attached too easily. That is probably a contributing factor to Reality #1. I don't want to have to ever say good bye. I don't want you to not want me around. I am an extremely social being. I have a lot of friends. Ask anyone and they will tell you I have a lot of friends. I find it taxing sometimes to arrange my social schedule to make time for the many friends I have. I do however make time for those who matter most to me. Sometimes I feel like I stretch myself too thin, which is easier said than done(check my waist size). I want to please you, I want to love you, and I want you to love me back. When the last part doesn't happen, it hurts. To not hear it, it hurts. In the words of an old roommate, I need to "Man up!" What does that mean by the way? Man up? I am a man. I can't help feeling the way I do.

Reality #3: I am damn good at what I do.
I love my job. I love where I work. I love the people I work with, well a majority of them. All I need to know is that I am damn good at what I do. I may not do it the way you do it. Your opinion of what is "the way it should be" is not THE way it should be. I know I am making a difference by how the students react. The fact that they question things is not a sign of disrespect, but a sign that I taught them to think for themselves and have a curiosity of the world around them. The fact that they are excited to see me and want to run and hug me is ok. Sorry that they broke out of line, or stopped what they were doing to see me. That tells me that I have touched their lives so much that no matter the consequences they are to do whatever it takes to be near me. That is so much more gratifying than the glare you give me from across the room.

Reality #4: Life is not fair.
That is probably one of the most heard phrases any given person will hear through out their life. It is not fair that you can get married. It is not fair that during your courtship you can receive flowers without whispers from the close minded. It is not fair that you can bring your significant other to work and not have to worry if you are offending someone. It is not fair that you can openly talk at lunch with your coworkers about how amazing your significant other is, where I have a mini anxiety attack hoping they don't ask about mine for fear of offending the conservative ones at the table. It is not fair that I pretend to be someone I am not just to avoid the uncomfortable silence that usually comes after.

Reality #5: I love you.
I don't care how messed up you are. I don't care about your baggage. I don't care if you don't feel the same way. I love you for 1 of 2 reasons: One is reality #2 and the other is that you have someone how found a way to make me love you. It can be your sense of humor, the time you spend with me, or that you have made my life a little more bearable. I will love you and be there when you need me, even when you are not there for me. Please don't misconstrue this last reality as a confession of love to a particular person. It is love for you as a friend. Just want to be clear. The last thing I need are rumors to be started. Actually there is a third reason why I love you, you need someone to love you. You need to know someone cares about you.

Those were just a few of the realities that I always knew were there, but never truly thought or confessed them. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I just know that it isn't perfect. That it can't be perfect.